So things have been so crazy lately. I forgot to mention in my last post that I was able to drop off a portion of our adoption paperwork and the deposit money at our adoption agency. It was so exciting and felt so good, that is was official. I just hope that We can keep up on it, I just want to be approved already. Today was one of those days where I really felt the pangs of infertility. I found an awesome blog http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ titled the R house. It has a lot of great articles and such about LDS family Services, our adoption agency and everything surrounding adoption and infertility. That was one thing I learned starting this whole adoption process has been that infertility will never go away, some days will be great and others not so much. Today I have been struggling with the idea of going to a certain baby shower this weekend. Typically all things baby dont usually bother me, I tend to keep quiet so as not to make others feel uncomfortable, funny how that works huh. The one who struggles turns inward to save the others. I am finding out to that sometimes I am perfectly comfortable talking about my struggles of inertility with those around me, the fear, the pain, the sadness, the blessings, and others I tend to hedge around and dodge things. But if you get me just right, I bust at the seams. the water gates open, and I will cry in anguish and in happiness about the situation that Lindsay and I face.
On Sunday in fast and testimony meeting I bore my testimony about how amazing the atonement is and how it is so key in adoption and making things full circle. My love for birth mothers and other adoptive couples grows daily. It seems that almost everyone I meet has been touched by adoption in some way or another. Just tonight I had dinner with the wives of the crew that Lindsay is deployed with. Each one was either adopted or had siblings that were adopted. It was wonderful, we laughed and talked about all the things that people say and do when they dont have the knowledge of adoption.
But today I feel sad....today is one of those days that I wish I could carry a child in my womb, feel a child grow inside me, wear a hospital bracelet with my name on it for the birth, and today that is ok. Because tomorrow is a new day and I can be just as excited about meeting the mother of our child, helping her in her journey, excited about parenting the child that is meant for our family. I think that part of what brought it on is that this weekend there is a baby shower that I truly want to attend to support the young woman who is pregnant and yet honestly this is the first time in my years of infertility to feel jealous that it is not me. I am not sure why it took this long, maybe the circumstances under which she faces, maybe just a point in my life where I am at, but I feel totally torn as to which I should do, support her and be there for her when she needs people most, or protect myself from my hardship.
I am not looking for sympathy or pity I am trying to convey how I feel. Raw is a good word for it. Most the time I feel like this trial is healed pretty well and every once in a while something scratched the scab and just a little comes off and needs to re-heal. Kind of a gruesome analogy but truth to me. Infertility is so intriguing to me, it has been such a blessing in that my husband and I have become so strong and grown closer together as a couple, we have been through highs and lows, and learned how to communicate on much higher levels than before this journey began. Yet on the other hand we have experienced a pain that is hard to express to those who have not felt it, we have asked ourselves and Heavenly Father all of the hard questions........why is my body failing me, what is wrong, we are doing everything the Lord is asking us to do and we still aren't getting pregnant while others are making mistakes and cant keep from getting pregnant, when will this be over, all of those questions you want to know at some point. I remember there was one point in this journey of ours that I pleaded if Heavenly Father could just tell us when we would have a child to hold in our arms that everything would be fine. I just wanted to know when the tunnel ended and the light could be glorified.
We know now that it is in the Lords time (Although hearing that from someone else is not always the easiest thing), we know that we will be great parents, and we cannot wait. I am so excited to do things with my kids that my mom did with me and my brothers. Excited to see Lindsay get down on the ground and be silly, go on family vacations, get up in the middle of the night to hold my crying baby knowing that I am the one that can get them back to sleep. It will be so wonderful.
Right now we are trying to decide if we want to have baby items around the house waiting for when we get "the Call" or if we want to scramble at the last minute because the daily reminders of our child who we are looking for will be hard.
Wow this post became a lot deeper than I imagined, but I think it is good for me and those close to me to understand a bit more. I realize that Lindsay and didn't talk about infertility with our families for a long time and that some may still feel like they dont know what has gone. This is for them, to get a glimpse into our sojourn.
Here are a couple of poems that I snagged from someone else's blog (Thank you Karli!!)
A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens
These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel, to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete, you are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing, your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby, ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes, and your Daddy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think, will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a gradma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life, I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my little empty nest.
I know God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life He hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one, everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without, we would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven sent from up above.
My Someday Baby
by Dawn Champion
I wait, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait.
The slow horse still wanting out of the gate.
Hoping you'll begin before it's too late.
Where are you? My someday baby.
Each night I pray a prayer for you.
It is a prayer for daddy and me too.
I pray that I will someday feel you,
My kicking someday baby.
Every day I see children everywhere around.
I long to hear your laughing, cooing sound.
Your fingers around my one tightly wound,
My happy someday baby.
How will you smile? What color your eyes?
How will you like your birthday surprise?
Will you come to mommy to comfort your cries?
Wondrous you, my someday baby.
I touch terry sleepers, and booties so small,
And wonder how much longer my heart can bear all.
Hoping and wishing through all of these falls,
To spoil my someday baby.
How I long to rock you to sleep,
And to rub your head until you dream deep.
To watch you roll over and sit and then creep,
My sweet little someday baby.
The things others think are a pain, you see,
Sound like a piece of heaven to me.
To be awakened by something other than dreams,
My pleasure, my someday baby.
I don't know when you'll see this, or if you'll know
How much my heart dreamed of you, prayed for you so.
To feel you, and watch you and help you to grow,
My love, my someday baby.
I do hope and I pray, and sneak cries through the day,
With hope daddy and I will have you "someday."
That sooner rather than later you can hear me say,
"With love I welcome you", my someday baby.
a poem by Amy Borens
These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel, to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete, you are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing, your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby, ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes, and your Daddy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think, will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a gradma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life, I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my little empty nest.
I know God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life He hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one, everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without, we would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven sent from up above.
My Someday Baby
by Dawn Champion
I wait, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait.
The slow horse still wanting out of the gate.
Hoping you'll begin before it's too late.
Where are you? My someday baby.
Each night I pray a prayer for you.
It is a prayer for daddy and me too.
I pray that I will someday feel you,
My kicking someday baby.
Every day I see children everywhere around.
I long to hear your laughing, cooing sound.
Your fingers around my one tightly wound,
My happy someday baby.
How will you smile? What color your eyes?
How will you like your birthday surprise?
Will you come to mommy to comfort your cries?
Wondrous you, my someday baby.
I touch terry sleepers, and booties so small,
And wonder how much longer my heart can bear all.
Hoping and wishing through all of these falls,
To spoil my someday baby.
How I long to rock you to sleep,
And to rub your head until you dream deep.
To watch you roll over and sit and then creep,
My sweet little someday baby.
The things others think are a pain, you see,
Sound like a piece of heaven to me.
To be awakened by something other than dreams,
My pleasure, my someday baby.
I don't know when you'll see this, or if you'll know
How much my heart dreamed of you, prayed for you so.
To feel you, and watch you and help you to grow,
My love, my someday baby.
I do hope and I pray, and sneak cries through the day,
With hope daddy and I will have you "someday."
That sooner rather than later you can hear me say,
"With love I welcome you", my someday baby.
Anyhow I can't wait for our little one!
In the mean time and on a totally different note, Lindsay and I decided to get another dog last week, I picked up our cute little Lola last sunday. She is 3 months old and is a doberman. She has been a bit skiddish due to lack of socialization but is warming up nicely. And Boomer is adjusting well. Here is a picture I am sure that I will write more about her in times to come.
