Still not Immune

I am still not immune to the pains and yearnings that infertility cause and it drives me absolutely NUTS!

 I have been given the opportunity and blessed to become the mother of this sweet little boy! I have been a part of one of the most miraculous experiences I think one can be a part of in going through the adoption experience. I imagine its probably pretty similar to giving birth to a child. You see things from an eternal perspective and get a small glimpse into life before coming to earth and what our potential is beyond. You see a small innocent being that relies completely on you as a parent to take care of them for every single thing. I am humbled by the blessing of becoming a parent. Transitioning from life without a child to being a parent was a BIG transition for me. I had yearned for a baby for years. When that blessing was granted to me I was so thankful and willing, but it was completely overwhelming in every regard. I loved it and struggled at the same time. I loved the cuddles and coos and the small things in life and was trying to find new ways to cope with the undescribable exhaustion, the helpless feeling and the insane amount of guilt that all of sudden weighs on your shoulders. And just when I have felt like I am starting to get a hang of the role called motherhood, Erik hits a new stage of development and I am trying to find my bearings again. Its a constant learning and stretching. I am up for it, but some days I feel like it is beyond me.

And maybe that is because it is, I know that I can't parent alone. I have a companion who is there to help, and most importantly....I have a Heavenly Father who is there to comfort, guide, and lift my burdens. Together the three of us make the ultimate team!

(mum and baby koala at the local koala sanctuary)

And having experienced the joys of motherhood I thought that my infertility would fade a bit. I am pretty proud of myself because I have felt that I have conquered the unwelcome visitor of infertility pretty well. He doesnt come knocking half as often as he did before Erik joined our family. And for the first couple years of Erik's life, I actually did not yearn for more or have baby cravings or anything. I knew I would love more children and was so grateful that I had been blessed with even one spirit to raise under my care.

(mum and baby kangaroo at the koala sanctuary)

And while I am still humbled that I have been blessed with the best possible adoption and birth parents and opportunity to even raise 1 child, I still want a larger family.

I often keep my optimism by listing things in my mind that are a positive for not having children biologically and just having one child. Are you struggling with infertility...do you know some one who is....here is a list. And be warned, some of these things are very vain and superficial, but they help me feel better about my situation and push through my pain. And I do know there are plenty of cons to my situation as well, I dont like to focus on those.

The silver lining to my life....

1. I dont have to plan one on one time with my child, because he gets all day every day. That makes for one lucky little boy!

2. Due to the fact that we only have one, it is very easy for me to go nearly anywhere with him and that offers him lots of different experiences that he may otherwise miss if I had a gaggle of children that my heart wants. He also is one ace of a traveler, one well behaved child when he has to attend a meeting with me because Lindsay is out of town and its easier to take him than find a sitter, and he is one reverent kid wherever we are out and about (most of the time, and yes I realize your children can be this way with siblings)

3. With one child we dont have to split money among more children so we can spend more money on him to do things, etc. And while we try really hard not to spoil him and we are working on good ethics, morals, and values. The money isnt stretched as far.

4. My body is still fairly nice looking under my clothes because it hasnt undergone the changes of stretching and expanding to grow a baby and then nourish that baby. And while I would rather have those changes, I feel proud that I have kept my body healthy in either preperation for that opportunity or just because it is good for me and I have been taught to keep good care of my body. I am confident in my body and that feels good.

5. We will never NEED a large car or large house to accomodate our family.

6. I get to sleep through the night nearly every night.

Mostly I am grateful that I have been chosen by not only my loving Heavenly Father to raise one of his choice spirits, but I was also chosen by Erik's amazing birth parents to raise him. What an honor! I am doing the best I know how. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be but I hope at the end my life, I will be able to report that I did my absolute best, I gave it my all, I didnt shrug my work or responsibility but rose to the challenge.

And thinking of this important role of mine lately my unwelcome visitor has been knocking at my door. I have been strong at not letting him in, but he got louder and louder and busted that door down. I will admit....

I am really and truly baby hungry right now.

I want to snuggle and cuddle a new born, I want it all over again. I cant believe how fast Erik's life has flown and to know that his may be the only one I get to do, its so frustrating and hard. I want not just one more kid, I want a large family. And now not only do I not only not get to plan my family, I am getting older. My biological clock is ticking, so even if all our children (hoping that we have more come to our family) come through adoption, I am not keen on raising a newborn past a certain point in my 30's. And alas I know my plan for my life is not always what is best. I know that Heavenly Father's plan for me is best, I just want to bang my head against a wall sometimes. I want to be able to say lets try for our next baby and within a few months have that baby growing in me. I want Erik to have siblings, I want, I want, I want. And you know what my dad used to say when I was a kid when we started a sentence with that phrase?

How does it fee to want?

That my friends is a great way to put things in perspective. While that particular example of wanting a baby may seem a bit far fetched, it isnt because I want a baby, but I am not the one if to know if I need it. I believe that there is a much larger plan for me than I know of. That I have the opporutnity to be blessed with all those righteous things in the next life if I live faithfully.

And who knows maybe that unwelcome visitor has charged through the front door of my heart more because right now it seems I am surrounded by pregnant ladies and new babies. And while I can cope and am genuinely happy for each and every one, and wish no ill upon any of them, I wish I could join the club. There are always pregnant wome or someone with a new baby and normally I can handle it with no problems, but I am weak right now. *side note: if you are fertile and pregnant and want to be sensitive to a friend who is not fertile, give her the blessing of letting her know at the same time as everyone else or first. She will feel like you pity her if she is the last one to find out. The last thing she wants is pity, she just wants to be like everyone else and support in the hard times.

Most of Erik's friends his age, have a younger sibling already and are either pregnant or planning on getting pregnant in the next year. And to think if we would have gotten pregnant when we wanted originally we would probably already have 3 or 4 kids. I would be getting close to finishing our family and here I am. I am lucky I have been given the chance to start and truly I am grateful to have one child, I hope that I dont come across and ungrateful. Its just odd to see where I am in reality and where I thought I would be.

So today I am here to tell you that becoming a mother has definitely not cured infertility. I knew it wasnt a cure, we were counseled about this in the beginning with one of our social workers. I just sometimes wish that this trial would end, but I fear this is a trial that will stay with me for my whole life. It will be one I endure until I leave this world. Because even when I am at an age where I am beyond raising little ones, the pain will still be there. I will endure it to the best of my ability and it will remind me on those hard days of parenting that this is exactly where I want to be...with my child...learning and growing with him. I will love him and teach him about love and I will finally allow the unlwelcome visitor to come, so that the quicker I can get him to come in , the quicker he will hopefully leave again and not visit for a long time.

To answer some common questions I get about adoption while we are here in Oz.....no we can not adopt while we are here. Thus Erik will be 5 when we move back to the states, if we get another amazing adoption quickly he will be close to 6 or just older. That is not unheard of but not my ideal age gap. But yes we will try to adopt again upon our return to the states. We will try for a time until we decide that the time has come to fully accept Erik as being our only child from there on out. I have gotten pretty far at accepting that already but have not lost complete hope as I know we still have time to have a miracle biological baby or another adoption.

All right rant over, lets kick this said visitor out the door!