perfect pint size package

Today I was having a rough day. Nothing in particular, just lots of little things that were mounting started to overwhelm me, add in a healthy dose of motherhood guilt and self deprecating thoughts and a meltdown occurred while Erik happily played during his quiet time in his room. I was in my room on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to lift me up and give me strength to get through.

I felt better after having a good cry, sometimes I think that just does such a trick.

This little man is just that, I think his spirit is so wise and he has such a sense of humor that he just kills me. Sometimes he makes me want to lock myself in a padded room, but then his spirit speaks to mine and I just want to bottle him up forever.

The past few months he has grown really interested in how babies grow in bellies. Many things are attributed to this. He knows that we (Lindsay and I) would like to give him a brother or sister and he LOVES babies and often hears or requests himself for God to send a baby into mommy's belly. Every time I go to any appointment without him, he asks if the doctor is going to put a baby in my belly and will ask a few times a week if there is one in there. He knows he grew in S's belly. Also we have a close friend who is the latter half of her pregnancy and Erik has seen her belly grow and quite frankly I think it has intrigued him more. Every time he sees her he asks her about her baby, and sometimes not quite grasping the concept fully asks if she is having "another baby." Like one came out between the last time he saw and the current time. Its been really fun, and opened up plenty of opportunity for me to teach him more about his special story. He loves to ask questions about him growing in S's belly and confirm that mommy did not grow him in hers, but that S loves him so much and so does B. A couple of days ago on tv he saw a pregnant woman and asked if that was S. I told him no but pulled out his scrapbooks about his adoption. He had moved onto other things and wasn't interested any longer. That is fine, line upon line right?

Tonight after having a hard day and Lindsay being gone for a meeting I felt like I needed to feel that close connection with him. I needed a renewing feeling with my son. You see.....lately he only wants Lindsay for every.single.thing. I know it's normal and most of the time it doesn't bother me. He has always been that way a bit, those two have a bond I couldn't even try to compete with, but have always been confident in my bond as his mother. I have always been the one that Erik would call out for if hurt or sad. The nurturing that most children desire from a mother. Lately he just wants Dad. I know his love for me hasn't weakened, but I needed a special moment with him. Since I am with him all day its not so special if I get him a treat or take him somewhere cool, that is what is expected from our daytime adventures so I knew I needed something else.

It came to me as we were getting ready for bed. I would not read his typical bed time story tonight, I would read him one of adoption scrapbooks and we would talk and reconnect. He drank every ounce of that up and loved seeing it all. Although he has seen the scrapbooks hundreds of times it was almost like he was seeing it for the first time. He is understanding! He is learning about his miracle! When we got to the end I read him the letter S wrote to him and gave to him before we left Germany. When I was finished he asked to keep reading him his story (I had read it all!) I told him he we could look at them again in the morning when he woke up and told him we needed to say prayers for bed. I said them tonight and spoke of the love that all of his parents has for him, earthly and Heavenly. I had asked for blessing for S and B and given thanks for them. When I finished Erik told me I did it wrong I needed to bless Erik too. So I said another prayer asking for blessings for Erik. I still hadn't gotten it right, so I asked him to pray........this was how it went he opened the prayer by addressing Heavenly Father-thank you, Erik little baby and S and B and then closed the prayer.

I just wanted to squeeze him forever. I am pretty sure he was trying to pray and thank God that S and B loved him and gave him to Lindsay and I. He asked twice more if we could look at the pictures again and talk about S and B. I told him in the morning we could look at it all again and talk more. When I was shutting the door he said, "I lud you." -I love you-

Those are the reminders I need. The ones where he knows just what to say to remind me that my efforts are not going unnoticed by his little hands that can tear up a clean room faster than I can pick it up. The kiss he can genuinely give me that will carry me through his incessant "why" questions that happen no less than a billion times a day.

It was an absolutely perfect ending to my day. Tomorrow will bring new challenges, I still have a sink full of dishes, a messy floor, laundry out the kazoo and phone calls to make, but I have a little man that will make it take three times longer but make me laugh throughout as well. He never ceases to amaze me how flexible he is in our life. He just rolls with it. He must get that from his Dad, both are pretty unfazeable. I am the basketcase. but at least I know they both love me!