Wait for it....

Today many thoughts surround me. I have been anticipating this post all week but know that as I write emotions will stir and so I have needed to wait until I was ready to deal more intimately with them to post.



You see this last month has been for much growth myself.....I feel. Actually the last couple weeks have been the most. I feel like I have been in a huge adjustment phase with the whole adoption, parenthood, and life thing.


This little man has brought out so much joy in us and strength and talents that I didn't know existed yet. But he has also stirred some deep rooted pain in me. I tell you this to give you my perspective on infertility and adoption. When we first started the adoption process, at the first "consultation" appointment which was more like a counseling session the social worker surprised me by talking more about our infertility than adoption. I was thrown off guard, I sobbed, I was embarrassed, I was relieved. Someone could help us get through and give us insight to this trial we will forever deal with. I remember that he said that adoption does NOT cure infertility. That made total sense. He was not the only one to tell us this, other social workers and friends alike who have experienced or been close to those who have adopted know this. Adoption is also not the last resort to parenthood, it is a CHOICE. Lindsay and I prayed about adoption, if this was the will of our Heavenly Father to expand our family. We received that confirmation.



I knew that a baby wouldn't cure my infertility issues, but I also thought that becoming a parent would distract me enough away from it, that I could kind of push it out of my mind. Naive thinking if you ask me....or maybe wishful. So we come back to the present time, Erik has been with us for almost 2 months and recently he has stirred the old unwelcome visitor a bit. Seeing his precious innocence and amazing nature reminds me not only how lucky Lindsay and I are to be a part of his life and this miracle, but also that I may never co-create with God and carry a child in my womb. Please do not misunderstand this post as not being thankful for our little man, because I think in the end, it makes us appreciate him that much more. But I hurt for the experience of being pregnant, of delivering, of feeling a spirit move inside me. To bring such a gift to Earth...I have no idea what exactly S's journey has been like but my pain about not carrying a child has helped me to appreciate her experience of placing Erik into our home after doing those things I have not.



Dealing with some of this pain lately has been good for me though, to look at the silver lining.....I feel much more bonded to Erik than I did before. You see, Lindsay bonded with him almost instantly, and while I was so excited about that because I wasn't quite sure how he would react I was wanting the same thing. Bonding has come a bit slower for me, not like I haven't loved our son but it has been coming in steps. I think my hard recently have helped me grow closer to his little spirit and now I just enjoy every bit of him. I feel like my bond to him is growing each day. It's been hard because a lot of moms around me, their infants need them exclusively for feeding, but I am not needed in that way, and since we had so much help in the beginning, I didn't feel as strong as an urge towards him as I wanted or expected.

But perseverance pays off.....I am constantly working on trying to do things that would help me. I think it has been going rather nicely. Lindsay and I have been working with Erik to get more of a routine down. And it's not so much about getting things done at specific times of day but doing everything in the same order so Erik knows what to expect next has helped. I do the whole night during the week when Lindsay works and he helps on the weekends, unless Erik is having a particularly troubled night. And I think that spending lots of wee morning hours feeding and holding and then having him want to be held by me still in the morning has been a great success. When he needs me is when I feel the bond become more cemented.



Adoption is very unique, for those who have been a part of been close to those who have been a part knows that it is a roller coaster. And it seems that the lows are more low. but in exchange the highs are more high. What a wonderful blessing! It makes me think about how to experience such sweetness we must go through the prickly painful part. The rule of opposites that we learn about in the scriptures, we can't have one without the other. For if we only experienced good things we would never really know how good they were or appreciate them, but when we have the bad with the good......then we partake of the most sweetest things and and enjoy them.

So that is my deep thoughts for a while. On a lighter note but still on the adoption front... my surprise......... have you heard of "the r house?" If not you should check it out. There is a link on the right hand side of my blog. Especially sometime soon as I have been asked to a guest blogger! Not sure when it will happen....I will let you know, but I am working on everything and am so excited! Mrs. r is a huge adoption advocate and has two sweet little boys who have come to their family through adoption. Her blog rocks!



Even Erik thinks so! If you check out her thurs. march 26th post you can click on the link of the video slideshow and hear a birth mother tell a part of her story with pictures of her placement. So cool! And I will remind or inform those that may not know that Birth Mother's day is the saturday before Mother's day!

Have a great weekend!