In a reflective mood

So you know how I told you that I have total insomnia...I wasn't kidding. Lindsay is in bed asleep and I feel like it will take me hours, so as I contemplate going and doing the dishes or posting...I choose the latter. I was thinking about the time this fall before we met S.

In October I returned from a second trip to Arizona where I spent time with my mom, our friend Cindy and her family. While in Arizona we mourned the loss of Cindy's husband and when I got home I continued to reflect upon the loss that I have felt as an infertile woman not bearing my own child. A few days upon my return Lindsay and I went to one of our spots for an open mic night and some yummy cocoa drinks. You may recall when I posted about Lindsay getting up and sharing a song on the guitar. What I failed to mention (if I remember correctly) is that after that show the emcee came up to us to thank Lindsay and chat. She said that we couldn't continue to come to open mic night if we didn't participate because we would be contributing to creating the community there-she was joking. She had asked me what I did and I replied that I was a housewife ( a title that I am proud of!) she asked me if I would write a piece so that I could come back and share another week with the audience, she told me I could write about cooking.

Honestly I was a bit upset. Being a housewife is so much more than just cooking to me...it's about creating a warm environment where peace and harmony dwell. Taking care of my family and nurturing those relationships, who was she to just assume that just because I am a housewife that all I had to write about was cooking? So I went home and thought about things. I really didn't want to get up another week and read my writing to anyone but I wanted to get something down on paper (just in case she called me out), yes sometimes I have assertive issues, I am working on that.

The following is something that I never thought I would share but it's about infertility. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, but those of you who have dealt with it or those who are close to someone who has dealt with it may relate.

Here goes....

Waiting, barren, hopeful, helpless

Part of my heart feels artificial
Like it's been outfitted with a false hole
Bit I also feel as though there has been a protective charm glaring against the outside
I know in one life or anothe I will be the Mother
I want to be
What defines motherhood anyway?
Children? Statistically speaking perhaps
But I AM the mother of our home
Creating an atmosphere of warmth, creativity,
A refuge from this monster of a world.
I get to mother the other children of our village,
teaching them by example
and easing the burdens of their progenitors.
I am the mother of myself, governing my thoughts, feelings, and actions
I do not like the term "infertile."
It brings on an odor or alien beings with it,
people wrinkling their faces, speechless.
I am no different than any other woman.
I've heard all the comforting words,
they don't do anything.
It's like when someone has died and the mourners comfort those around them.
It's a bit backwards and twisted.
Rollercoasters of emotion happen...sometimes
I wake up to a knock on my door.
When I go to see who is there I realize
it is an unwelcome visitor.
The visitor who has come used enchantments beyond medicine altering my body mechanics.
We go through the day wallowing in each other's company
until at last
I see the value in this visitor.
The false hole is being cured with stuffing
until one day- another woman
just like me with her heart broken from similar unwelcome visitors will find me
and I her.
We will learn and grow as if we are children.
Then a child will be born and I will then
become a mom
and she will grow the wings she needs to fly on....

It's interesting for me to think that just a few weeks later we would meet that woman. How our lives would change in the same season and together we would help each other transition into the next season. Birth moms are truly angels!